I took last night off work to do some serious thinking about the path my life is taking, and where I am on that path. It was a long, rough day spent praying, with a little bit of writing thrown in to help me sort things out from other angles.
Several people have been recommending that I quit my job stripping at the club immediately. I know in my heart and in my mind that this would be best for my soul. What gives me trouble is the thought that from the day I turned 18, this has been my only source of income, and that it can be a lucrative one.
I’m also faced with massive financial obligations for the coming year. The cost of attending the school I’ve been accepted to is over $32,000 per semester, even with the scholarship program I was accepted to providing me with free room and board. In addition, before I get there, I will have to have a computer and camera purchased totaling over $5,000.
At current, I have $1,600 in savings, a car I can probably sell for about $2000 more once I get to the design institute, and some other various things I can probably sell for a little bit of cash.
The worst part is that I’ve been so afraid of being unable to raise the money to go to the institute that I’ve been unable to let go of this horrible, sinful job that leaves a tarnish on me every night I go in and work, and which has me terrified for my safety. I’ve been afraid to leave this job which has directly led to my being raped by three different men.
So, following some excellent advice, I got all the information I had together, thought about it, and prayed about it. I prayed to my patroness, St. Mary Magdalene. I prayed to Mother Mary, the Blessed Virgin. I prayed directly to Jesus. I prayed to every saint I could find who had faced a decision as terrifying as mine was for intercession on my behalf.
By the end of the night, I knew what had to be done. God had heard my prayers and the prayers of the saints interceding for me. He placed a grace of great peace in my heart and granted me the clear knowledge of what He expected of me.
This morning, I will go make my confession. My full confession repenting for all the sins related to my job. I will hear mass and participate in it fully, taking the Eucharist knowing full well that all my sins have been forgiven because I intend never to repeat them.
Tonight, I will go to my workplace and say goodbye to my friends and co-workers. I will not dance. I will sell all my stripper clothes. I will come home. I will thank God for the guidance He has given me. I will sleep as one newly freed from her sins.
My savings and the money from selling the stripper clothing I’ll never wear again will see me through the end of the year, so long as I live frugally. Rent, utilities, food, and the tank of gas to get me from here to the institute where I will be studying.
I will trust in God to provide me with the means to obtain the education I believe He wants me to have. I will try to find some other part-time work so that I can attempt to save more money for school. I will dedicate myself to continuing to write here as a combination of confession and prayer.
I will follow some more advice I received from a reader of this blog: I will write my story down as a book. It may be more of a piece of semi-autobiographical fiction rather than a memoir or autobiography, for various reasons, including my own personal safety.
I will begin attending mass daily. My parish has an early morning mass for those going to work, and another later in the morning for the students at the Catholic school here, making it easy for me to attend. I owe God this level of devotion for what he has shown to me.
Most of all, I will rejoice in my new life. I’ll be living simply, and without the constant threats to my safety that have plagued me these past four years. I’ll learn to be a normal, 22-year-old girl again. I’ll try to put the things that have been done to me, and the things I have done, into my past as much as possible.
I will serve and love God, and follow His will to go and learn to make beautiful things that improve the lives of those they touch.
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Years ago I felt that God called to go to Dallas Theological Seminary to study. I had just graduated college (read “poor”) in Arkansas and picked up and moved everything to Dallas. I didn’t have a job, my wife didn’t have a job, I didn’t have money at it’s a very expensive school, I hadn’t been accepted yet and it was a school that was difficult to get into.
I moved forward on faith and stayed with my dad in Dallas, who I had not seen in many years. I found a job for my wife and I (she was still working in AR) and found a place for us to live. DTS heard my story and admitted me, so the blessings and confirmation of my choices was all there. No money though.
Just a few days before tuition was due I received a check covering the ENTIRE tuition and books and fees from the church I left behind in AR.
God provides. If He provides for the “lilies of the field”, will He not provide for a co-heir with Christ. You are royalty to Him.
there you have it. =) mcProdigal hit the nail on the head.
God provides. If He provides for the “lilies of the field”, will He not provide for a co-heir with Christ. You are royalty to Him.
you take that and run with it, girl! keep praying, keep trusting, keep growing. and keep getting to know Him more by reading the Bible.
=)
But when I am afraid, I put my trust in you. O God, I praise your word. I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?
Psalm 56:3-4
It is always easy to tell others what they should do. We can share our experiences and the experiences of others. Sometimes this is the starting place of our knowledge. From this experience I can tell you that everything will not be in place until you move.
Another young woman posted “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore…” This is very profound. This is especially true in our personal relationship with God. Until we move away fro the security (often a false security) and begin trusting Him we will never fully comprehend and experience His overwhelming love for YOU.
I have a suggestion. For the moment put aside the past and think about the present. Learn to laugh, learn to take in the freedom you now how. Experience being loved (probably for the first time), and how to love others in a real and genuine way. Remember you are a new person in Christ. Old things have past away.
Ken and Maggie